Part 1: Page 1

That's right, V. That's how Julius Caesar says five. This game didn't get released outside of Japan until 1999, because it was just too damn hardcore. Well, okay, I don't know why, but somebody translated the Japanese Super Nintendo version and put it on the Internet, and now I can steal tuckfard's idea and make an awesome thread out of it!



Lengthy plot exposition (abridged version). Don't bother Daddy, he needs to go to the Wind Shrine and have a drink. If your mother asks where I went, tell her I went out golfing.


Jesus, I should've never had kids.

Meanwhile, pirates!




Their noble captain, who does not have a beard, but compensates for it with plenty of hair. Here we can see it blowing in the wind like some kind of follicular cape. Except...!


No wind?! This is not good for pirates, and especially not good for their beardless captain!

Meanwhile, an old guy in a meteor!

Sure thing, old man.

Meanwhile, back at the castle!

I don't know, let's check!


I don't know, he looks okay to me... wait...


OH SHIT :ultramon:

Meanwhile, in a forest...

Everything is chill with the hero and his pet chocobo, right?

WRONG

OH SHIT METEOR OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE! We'll just have to investigate this.


Pretty decent-sized meteor, I have to say.


If I don't call back within the next month, withdraw the files from my safety deposit box and deliver them to the authorities.

Everything looks good except WHAT THE FUCK

Goblins! Unhand that pink-haired maiden, fiends!


What the fuck are you looking at? What?! Oh, that's it! THROW DOWN


Come on! Fucking come on, then! I'll kick your arses so hard you'll kiss the moons!


Yeah, suck it! Suck it! Where's your alien plasma rifle now, bitch?!


My name is Stevie Ray Lynn, and I have got a bad case of the fuschia fever. Come on, baby, let me nurse you back to health... with a penis.



Alzheimer's claims yet another victim.

Except he remembers that he has to go to the Wind Shrine which is where Lenna is going so they both set off until!!!!


They're both knocked out in an earthquake, and I kill a bunch of goblins and save them.




So they all get together and go through a cave and everything is chill until!!!!

Okay, press the button, I get it.

Meanwhile, hey what's that?



In any case, we need a boat! So into the pirate's cove!


The more I look at Galuf's quote, the less it makes sense.

Anyway, it's time for some grand theft hydro! Except oh shit

Pirates! Except Lenna the princess has the same amulet as Faris the pirate captain so he has a change of heart...


WTF man

So we're off to the Wind Shrine on our boat that runs on DRAGON




Piss off, man, I know how to drive the boat. Anyway, we're going to Tule.


Pirates will be pirates, I suppose.

Now that we're in town, who wants equipment? All they have is broadswords and shit, so I guess it really doesn't matter.

Nice name, Zokk Crushfist the level 17 Orc Warchief.

Let's go down to the bar to see how everyone's doing wait a piano?!?!

YES!!!!!

Anyway, let's check up on Faris.



Okay, anyway, everybody gets Broad Swords and all sorts of awesome leather gear and we head off to the Wind Shrine, where there is peril!!

Well, dur.

Everybody kills the shit out of everything with their broadswords and it's chill. But what's this!


Ha! I'll bet you had no idea this was here.

But hey, no time to gloat!

Here comes the game's first boss! Oh God I'm so scared!


Oh shit! It's a giant eagle! That's the worst kind of eagle! We're really fucked now! I... what?


What a fucking loser. I killed him so fast he didn't even enter his stupid defensive counterattack mode.

Anyway, the journey must continue to the top floor! But alas, we are beset by an even more dangerous foe!

White Snake! I hate the band Whitesnake! This is for Here I Go Again!

Finally, we reach the crystal room, and it's not pretty.

Yup.

Then everyone gets possessed by gay crystal spirits (if you must know, Faris gets the spirit of Fire Courage, Lenna gets Water Kindness, Galuf gets Earth Hope, and Butz gets Wind Pursuit. Totally , I know). And then a ghostly apparition appears!!!


We have to protect the crystals? But we're just a bunch of losers with no magic and GAH


Okay, pieces of the crystal. What do these do again?


Of course. Within these crystal pieces dwell the souls of the brave and impeccably named heroes Knight, Black Belt, Thief, Blue Mage, White Mage, and Black Mage.


Okay, so who wants to be what? Should I level up some before I go drive my dragonboat into a giant angry crawfish?

Okay, despite Tithin Melias's not okaying it, I went ahead with the Black Belt suggestion. Let's get in our dragonboat and kick some ass! Well, we can't, because we need the key to the canal, but that's easily solved.


All we need to do is visit our good friend Zokk Crushfist and stay the night.


Thanks, Mr. Warchief!


Faris exchanges touching goodbyes with her pirate crew, who have to maintain the cove. Just because they don't have a boat doesn't mean they get a vacation. A pirate's work is never done.


And so our heroes set off on their noble quest!


Well, okay, first they need to level up and get enough money to buy some spells. Oh yeah, and see these Nut Eaters?


2 ABP. I fucking told you, man.


Cecil defeats his Dark Knight self and attains Paladinhood!


Okay, now we can roll on the canal.


The journey is perilous, but not really, because everybody but Faris kills all the monsters in one hit. Until!!!!!


A vortex! I fucking hate vortexes!


Something comes out from the whirlpool, pisses off Syldra, and gets ready to get its ass whupped


Crush Crawfish over here is kinda nasty with his attack that reduces people to double digits, but Faris exploits his weakness to Triad Thunder and everybody else just pounds on him with their X-Busters.

But what's this?!!?!?!

Noooo! Syldra! Damn you, Karla! Damn you!!!

Alas, our dragonboat is dragonless, which just makes it a boat, but a boat without a propulsion system, which makes it...

Driftwood.


Our worthless piece of wood eventually drifts into The Ship Graveyard. It's haunted. There are skeletons there, but they suck ass and I just kill them, it's all good.


God, Faris, why are you such a pussy?


The party manages to find a safe haven in a boat filled with skeletons and ghosts.


Fuck that.


God, Faris, what's your deal lately, anyway?


RAPE RAPE RAPE RA--WH...


So that's why Faris is such a pussy! And what a pussy she is!

She talks about how girls can't be pirates so she had to pretend she was a boy, they take a nap and get their HP and MP restored, and the quest continues.

Hey, what's this?


FUCK YES!!!!!!!


Cut the chatter, Red Two. Never tell me the odds. Stay on target.


This evil bitch Siren tries to steal everybody's souls by pretending to be their loved ones, but Galuf has amnesia so he doesn't remember anything, and she gets pissed.


Galuf knocks some sense into everybody and it's on! THROW DOWN


Aside from making Butz slow, Siren isn't really all that big a deal. Until she pulls out the ace up her sleeve!!!!!


Wait... That's it? You turn undead? That's all you got? Come on. Fine, you wanna be undead? Have it your way.


Oldest trick in the book.


Actually, her undead form's weakness to fire was really a bigger help, but whatever.


The crew is finally glad to see land, and a town. Carwen is home to such exotic features as


This Ice Rod. Never forget to get this Ice Rod.


The party lays me down to sleep and gets ready to begin the quest anew. Equipment stores beckon them to buy newer, better stuff, and with 2163 GP, they can certainly afford it.

Does anybody want to change classes or anything? Lenna has Brawl, so she can punch stuff as hard as a Black Belt even when she isn't one, and Faris has Black Magic so she can nuke stuff whoever she is (though if she's casting Ice she should be doing it with an Ice Rod because it strenghtens ice and ICE ROD).

Everybody heads down to the pub for a quick piano!!!!!

FUCK YES!!!!!!!!


Also of note is this secret passage with hard cash money.

Okay, so we're on a peninsula, a dead end, where are we supposed to go now?

Okay, okay, by air, I get it.

Somebody mentions some guy in the pub who saw a dragon, so I go talk to him.

Okay, to the North Mountain!

Well, okay, I went to the North Mountain once, and trying to get through it with only one decent fighter is hell, so I decide to go back and level up Butz enough so that he can get back to being a Knight and killing everything with his fancy new Regal Cutlass.

I do so by killing this poor innocent Galura, which gives out ABP but no EXP, curiously enough. Anyway, he goes back to being a Knight, gets his awesome sword and a full set of bronze armor, and we're off!


The random encounters are annoying in that Butz doesn't kill them in one hit, but he leaves them with like 10 hit points or some bullshit, but it's not too horribly difficult and I reach a save point.


Lenna feels a little violated when Galuf confesses, but otherwise it's a good night's sleep.

When suddenly!!!

Lenna! I'll save yoACK


Okay, so Lenna just got poisoned by a poacher who can cause earthquakes or something and now I guess she's gonna try to ransom her. Well, not if Faris has anything to say about it!


Faris leaps across, the bitch causes another earthquake, Faris climbs back up and makes a rope bridge. They cross, Magisa makes another earthquake and they all fall to their deaths, game over.


Or that, whatever. THROW DOWN


Lenna starts the battle poisoned, but Butz heals her. Faris' boosted Ice attack, Butz's sword slashes, and Lenna's !BuildUp all manage to kill her before she can call her brute of a husband.


And for all my troubles, I get a Whip!!!! FUCK YES!!!!!


Oh no, the Hiryuu is wounded. Looks like she better walk through some poisonous plants to get the inconveniently-placed Hiryuu Weed to heal it.


We get this baby purrin' like a kitten and it uses its magic dragon powers to make Lenna all better. Crazy woman keeps getting herself poisoned.

Well then, let's go! But what's this!!!!

You deserve it, you pussy fucker. Now get on the damn dragon.


And we have liftoff!


For some reason the Hiryuu can't go over mountains, but it can go over meteors, so I decide to pay Tycoon Castle a visit.


They want Lenna to stay, but she's all like I have to save the world, so they all just stay the night.

During the night, drama!!

Sisters?! Oh the drama!!

Anyway, they let us loot the treasury and HOLY CRAP

FUCK YES!!!!! Well, okay, nobody can equip it, but still man it's a katana!!!!!!!

That's all there is to do at the castle, so I fly my dragonplane over to Worus, a boring little water town.

Oh, I won't.


So what should we do now? There's new armor to be bought here. Anybody wanna change classes? Faris could be a Blue Mage and still nuke shit with Black Magic and ICE ROD.